A painful letter

Im starting to feel numb, not physically but i cant see what’s ahead of my life anymore. Every night when i close my eyes, i can hear those voices battling inside my head. “its been a tiring day, why wont you rest” “you really have no purpose in life” “you’re ugly useless and pathetic” “the world doesnt really need you”. I can shut those voices before but as days goes by, its like a needle piercing through my heart. It hurts so much. Its a hard experience dealing with these all the times.

If i could just shut those voices away, that would be amazing. But its getting stronger and stronger and im not sure what to do anymore. Im few steps away to fulfilling its wishes and ending its cycle of torment inside my head.

Mom, i know that most times we have misunderstanding. I completely understand that your action are just out of love. Please don’t blame yourself if one day i wont be able to talk to you on the phone or just send a simple message anymore. I want to hug you longer, share stories with you, travel together. I want to prepare lots of things for you as get older but i dont know to share this pain that im going through right now. You’re always happy and caring and i cant give you that burden, not when im still breathing and still have the capability to feel things.

But i think im not afraid anymore, you’re a strong woman Ma, i know ill be giving you a tough time and it will hurt you so much. It will put you through a lot of sadness. But its the only way i can shut this demons. I know im being selfish and not thinking straight but i have too, i’ve been fighting for so long and im tired and really exhausted mentally.

I love you mom. Thank you for taking care of me all the times. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

Thank you for everything.

Blue Stripe Jacket

Part 2 | Part 1

__It wasn’t my plan waiting for him but this guy is a heavy sleeper. I poked his hand, his face, even his chest and still, nothing could wake him up from his slumber. It was already 5.30 am and i still have lots of things to prepare with James but i couldn’t leave him alone either. He’s a complete stranger and he shouldn’t matter but i feel different when i see him. I find him really attractive. I quickly slapped myself to stir away with my confusing thoughts and decided not to stay any longer. Of course with my kindness annoying attitude, i tried drying his hair with my towel and switched our clothes, thank god only the two of us are here otherwise i feel like a perverted phedopile, or not if he is actually older than me, pretty creepy action i must say. I mean, i could leave him as is but from the looks of it he’s not gonna wake up anytime soon so i might as well do some good deed to start off my day. I wore his jacket and immediately regretted my decision, i was chivering to death. The fuck is wrong with this weather. I grab his hands and let him hold my coffee, it should keep him warm a little, wrapped a scarf on his neck and wiped his tears. I don’t know if i am relating to his situation but i just blurted some words and told him that its going to be okay. I felt vulnerable and ran away from the scene.

___I ran faster than usual so i could go home quickly but i couldn’t wear this jacket any longer, its freezing my whole body. I’ve been telling myself to endure the situation but its so difficult. Everytime i move, it feels like needles are poking through my body, it was uncomfortable but i dont have a choice. At one point, i thought this was some payback for my rude behavior or rather intervening with his life, Karma i whispered, but i did make up for it. I smiled a little, anyways i am a few miles away to my house its already 6.15 am, James should be awake by then. Sometimes i get the feeling that im the little brother and James literally became both our parents. He cooks, he washes our clothes, dishes. He’s in charge of our household and not to mention an exceptional maternal and paternal instincts. He even punched me once for acting stupid, how could i forget, it was the worst action ive committed. Until today i regretted telling him what i did. Thanks to him for bringing me back to my senses. I literally can’t move forward on our loss, im just glad that he was there for me at my darkest days. I really am a lucky guy to have him as my brother.

____I finally arrived at our house. Breakfast was already served. Fried rice and bacon, coffee and packed lunch. I jokingly told him “i can give you a kiss mom” and thanked him. He grabbed a newspaper, rolled it up and smacked me in the head. He really hit hard, i just laughed and said that i was just kidding. He didnt take it lightly. I told him that i would just change quickly and asked him if he could stay a little longer so we can eat breakfast together. James responded quickly with a no, and told me that there was some crisis at the office and he was requested by his superiors to start his shift early. It was expected and i joked again and said kiss goobye. He threw that newspaper straight to my face without hesitation, good thing i have quick reflexes otherwise i’ll start my day looking like somebody slapped me. I couldnt help but laughed really hard, he’s a serious person so i tease him most times when im in the mood. I wished him goodluck and said my goodbye.

_____I walked to my room and directly went to the bathroom, took a quick bath and dry myself quickly. The jacket i worn was still wet, well more like stolen, i want to return it as soon as possible but i guess that won’t be happening. If we crossed paths again that is, washing it may not be a bad idea but ill have to worry about that later. I went downstairs and ate my breakfast. Somehow, the meal that he prepares tastes differently. It doesnt taste that bad but a little bland i guess. Even with his hectic work schedule he finds time to clean things up around the house. He always go very early and yet all i do is clean after myself, he doesnt even leave his plate unwashed. Very responsible and meticulous. It was 6.45 am and im almost late for work, wasn’t able to finish my breakfast. Went to my room again and changed clothes quickly, grabbed the door keys and packed lunch, locked the doors, closed all windows then headed outside. It stopped snowing and the sun was rising, a very warm breeze. It was a beautiful morning.

Slides

Story Bubble — Umbrella

–I woke up at four in the morning, it was really cold that day. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I turn around on every side of the bed badly so i could get some sleep but it didn’t work. I was wide awake. I get up, were some few clothes, scarf, glove and my jacket and decided to jog on a winter morning. I went outside and walked slowly, checking if i could handle the weather. It wasn’t that cold at first, but after running for a few hours it felt like somebody is stabbing my body. It was ice cold, i should have worn thick layer of clothes but i’m already miles away from our house. I stopped by at a 24 hour coffee shop, that place was a paradise whenever cold mornings are present. Room temperature, hot beverages, delicious bagels and warm cozy seats. I walked at the counter and ordered 2 chocolate donuts and hot chocolate for take out. The cashier recognized me and gave me another hot chocolate. I don’t know if she was flirting or always adds an extra for her regulars. Either way it’s free. I grabbed my order and thanked her for the extra cup. It wasn’t a habit at first but every time that i couldn’t sleep for a little longer it became my routine to jog for a few miles, grab some hot beverage at the coffee shop and jog again to my hideout. It was at a kids playground, it sounds weird but early mornings with no people around, it’s actually a peaceful place.

—Walking at a cold day, i can’t help but to think about my life. I mean i’ve been busy with school and my part time job. I rarely go to my hideout to have a peaceful break. I walked a little faster, i wanted to sit and relax. Drink my coffee and eat my donuts. I sat down to one of those swings near the slides, which was my favorite spot. There were no people around, i mean it was 4.30 in the morning. They are still probably snoring and dreaming. I took a few bite and drank my chocolate, they served really good food there. I’m a little stress with what’s going on with my life. I have to balance studying and working. Im struggling a little keeping up my grades, i couldn’t give it my best even if i try. After school i go to work. I rarely had the time to focus. Its mentally exhausting but i need to keep on trying or else i’ll fail. You know, my parents are not around anymore. We were teenagers back then when they died. The police told my uncle that it was some car accident, we couldn’t believe it. They were taken away from us suddenly. Michael my younger brother, 25 years old now, didn’t really showed any sadness, while i cried like a child for days. We weren’t that close to any of our relative and it was a good gesture for our uncle to stay with us. But by the time we turned 18, he left us without saying a word. It was pretty difficult to adjust, i had to stop going to school so i could help Michael with his. It took us a long time but somehow we still manage to do things on a daily basis. Back then i couldn’t help thinking if i’d just committed suicide, i mean it was an easy way to escape that hell hole. I’ve always thought about suicide but every time i see Michael working so hard. I couldn’t do it. After all, he’s suffering the most. I took another sip and completely ignored that thought.

—-This cold weather made me reminisce a little, i guess its true that it experiencing cold could make you sad. I looked at my watch and it was 5.15 in the morning, im about to leave the swing and it startled me. I thought i heard someone snore, i stopped and carefully listened if i’m just imagining things. It didn’t make another sound, as im about to leave the place, i got freaked out. Someone was crying, it was literally echoing behind the slide. It didn’t get any louder but he was still crying. I couldn’t leave, with me reminiscing the past. I remember how painful it was. That man crying behind the slides reminds me how i felt back then. I walk around the slide to see who’s crying, maybe familiar face, a random stranger or that jerk who pushed me. “destiny” i whispered and smiled a little. “jesus christ” i shouted a little. He stopped crying but you can see some tears dropping on his close lid eyes. “painful dream huh” i whispered. How long has he been sleeping here i asked myself. He’s still wearing that blue and white striped jacket and its still wet. I carefully observe the surroundings and check if he still has my umbrella. This jerk really did throw it, it wasn’t there. Something is definitely wrong with me, look at me standing besides him waiting for nothing. He was sleep sitting and he’s head was about to fall on my side, i quickly sat down and lend him my shoulder. His face was very peaceful compare to that threatening look he gave me back then, he’s completely peaceful. “fuck” i whispered. It must be the donuts that made me feel sympathy towards him.

Umbrella

–It was raining heavily, the flow of the traffic was somehow light, there are few people walking on the streets, some of them are waiting for the rain to stop others just completely ignored the weather and run hurriedly. I’m waiting for the rain to subside outside this convenience store. Elders, students, office workers, how many people have passed by me already 20 or 30 i guess. Though one person really caught my attention, it was a man on his 30’s, 5 feet 6 inches tall, clothes soaking wet and he keeps on walking. I mean why on earth would someone walk with this heavy rainfall. As he approaches the side of the convenience store i was attracted to him, his eyes were a little mysterious, aquiline type of nose and his lips were so pink. I couldn’t look away even if i wanted too. It’s like my eyes were lured to look at him. However it didn’t lasted that long when he suddenly looked at me too. I was really surprised and said “SHIT” loudly. I was so embarrassed that i immediately looked on the ground. I’m pretty sure that he heard me and pretended to look away or he was silently saying “fuck off”. What a great way to make a fool of myself.

–He was walking away, I was so nervous and sweating for no reason, i took out my handkerchief on my pocket and swiped my forehead. It was a little confusing, when i looked at his eyes. I could tell that something is troubling him. I always have a soft spot for those kind of person. Maybe i’m just too nice to care. My actions were going to be a little stupid but i was drawn to him, i grabbed my umbrella which is always in my bag. Rain or shine i always bring it with me. I opened my umbrella and slowly followed him. Man this guy is really deep, im completely walking behind him and he doesn’t care. I walked a little slower and started debating whether if i should share my umbrella or walked passed by him. After some personal conflict i’ve decided to walk besides him and shared my umbrella. We didn’t say anything and we’re walking at a normal pace, he’s physique somehow has an aura, i mean he’s soaking fucking wet. I could see some things clearly. After a while, i noticed him that he is walking a little faster. My bag was really heavy so I’m having a little problem catching up with him. For sure i can tell that he’s annoyed. Out of the sudden he pushed me so hard and i almost fell on the ground. He was completely annoyed and shouted “stay the fuck out of my way”. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that but i just composed myself grabbed my umbrella and gave it to him.

— I didn’t said a word. I just ran as fast as i could and didn’t looked back. It was so fucking embarrassing, there were people staring when he pushed me, if i didn’t get out my face would turn completely red like a tomato. There was some shed at the park so i decided to stay for a little while. I gave my umbrella so i really need to let the rain to subside. My little brother must be worried right now, i’ve never been this late. It’s already 11 in the evening and the rain is still not subsiding. I guess i really have no choice but to run. It took me 30 minutes to arrived at home, good thing my younger brother was still awake and immediately opened the door. He was saying something but i was so tired that i didn’t pay any attention. I just said “thanks” and went to my room quickly. I grabbed some dry clothes went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I was completely relaxed but i felt a jolt of pain on my chest. He really did pushed me that hard. It was badly bruised but i couldn’t relax completely. I completely dry myself and went to bed. My thought wanders, i couldn’t stop thinking why did he act like that. I just know that he is lonely. Instead of completely hating a stranger, i somehow got intrigued. I do hope that, that will be our last encounter. I don’t want another bruise.

(And they will meet again fore sure)

Admiration

Its been a long time since i really admired someone other than my mother. It feels like you’re in love of some sort. Its a nostalgic feeling to admire someone again. I guess i’ve never really bothered myself whit this kind of emotion. But it truly is great to experience.

Im not hoping for HIM to like me. I just know that someone out there would feel the same thing like im feeling right now. It can wait, besides i am on my own journey right now towards self love. Pretty optimistic for someone like me to say but who knows, maybe it’ll really happen someday the more i hold on to it.

Just so you know, you don’t have to be in dark places most times. Just find that shining light no matter what or who it is. Find it and let it guide you towards self healing. It doesn’t have to be someone else, just start believing in yourself and trust me you’ll have a clearer perception of whats ahead of you.

Believe in yourself. Its the most precious gift for someone as brave as you 🙂

WANDERLUST

Its been a while since i’ve posted something breathtaking adventures or what i think it was but let me give you a quick tour to whats waiting for you if ever you have plans visiting SAMAL.

Its not fully develop yet however there are some nice places that’s nice to hang out and fill your stomach. Don’t get your hopes up, you’re just here to relax and unwind. 😉

First thing first. Samal is a very friendly budget place. Every tourist spot destination only requires you to pay for entrance fee and that’s it. Accomodation are somehow fair, tho i find it cheap. Food is great and fair. Sadly we only had a single day to visit samal and wasn’t able to fully explore other places.

Going on with our adventure

You’ll have to ride a boat like vehicle at sasa wharf. You can even bring a vehicle of your own going to samal.The fare is very cheap, 10 php per head. It felt like summer so i was able to capture something awesome while waiting for our destination to arrive.

After you’ve reached your destination. You have two options, you can travel on your own or you can hire tour guides to assist you on your adventure. They’re just waiting outside the entrance, very friendly.

There are some distances between tour spots. You can either hire a motorcycle or tricycle for your roadtrip and enjoy stunning views along the road. Our first destination includes BATS at MONFORT BATCAVE.

According to our tour guide. Monfort Bat Cave holds the guiness record for having largest number of bats with an estimate of 2.5 million dwelling in the caves. There are 5 interconnected holes inside the cave, you’re not allowed to inside since there are other animals lurking inaide. Friendly warning, the place really stinks. On to our next destination, BLUE BIRD SAMAL

Its about 15 minutes without traffic going to Blue Bird. The place isnt great but the view is spectacular. Its really high so you can see the overlookin of Davao Gulf. There’s cliff too, around 50 meters high. Jump at your own risk. You can also stay for a swim. Just make sure to wear life vest. It’ll come in handy 😉

Our next destination is Vanishing Island. Its like a floating and sinking island depending on the tides. There isnt any much to see here except for the white sand and a rough textured starfish other than that its an okay place to add on your bucket list

Our last destination is the Hagimit Falls.

97 Stairs 7 feet deep and 13 feet deep. Diving at your own risk. It was very spectacular.

Soulless Path

Sigh, im back to where it all started. My heart is heavy, its almost like i’ve been in a break up. Its pounding lightly yet i can feel it hurting.

Back then it wasn’t very confusing because that kind of feeling was okay.. im not a grown up yet so im allowed to get hurt, im allowed to feel sad, lonely and pathetic.. remembering how it feels to love someone and i crying out loud while drunk thinking that he could never love me. How can he, i find it hard to accept who am i so how can other people love me if i can’t love myself. Having good companions and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. We were young back then, we’re allowed to act foolish and ignorant.

Moving forward and in a loop. It just hits me, for a while i’ve been happy. But this crazy mind of mine at night works its ominous intentions. Thoughts of dying and having a second life everytime i try to sleep that’s the only thought i could think of. Stupid right. Thoughts of living a second life. That everything would be completely forgotten. I would sure love that if it does exist in this universe.

Even though i am surrounded by good and supportive people and have no regrets being with them. I never really shared what im feeling. Some of them already have their own family, starting to have their own family and staying single, so i can’t throw them an excess baggage. You must be thinking that being surrounded by those kind of people would help me change my perspective.. it did. It helped me.. its just that im really empty inside that i can only see few good things in life.

Its sad and pathetic i know. I really can’t help it. I wanted an easy route but im too weak to even think that im being selfish if it ever comes to that.. i don’t know how to live anymore..

Ive been so strong for a very long time thinking that living like this was okay. Thinking that living alone won’t change things. I guess i was wrong. You really do need someone to love you unconditional. Its always been a missing piece.

Don’t mind me, its just that i haven’t been able to let it out for a while. So im randomly ranting on my journal.. maybe im seeking validation from others so that i can remind myself that people do care or its just self pity. I just wanted to let it out and hoping that this kind of feeling would somehow go away.

I do hope so

Addicted Web Series – Epiphany

What an awful day to be reminded that life isn’t about fairytale wishes. Its very depressing to know that things like that won’t happen to me. I can accept the fact that i am going to die alone. I know that… it really hurts just to know one simple truth that you don’t want to continue living anymore.. i don’t even know why.. im just lying to myself pretending that im ok with how things are happening.. I HATE IT.

I know i’ll hurt those people who deeply care for me if i try commit suicide.. call it selfish but i don’t want to feel lonely anymore.. i just can’t continue living like this. I want to die.

Lord, take my life. And may this be the last time that i feel completely stupid for dumb reasons

FLY – JESSICA

FLY – JESSICA JUNG (I know i destroyed a wonderful song, but i can’t pass an opportunity to write it in my own thoughts. She is really an inspiration and the song too)

Invisible, i am lost, i hope i can find myself yeah.
That strength and fear, i see inside, i wonder if its gonna be fine.
When i reach out my hand yes, to that high place i’ve dreamed yes, am i getting closer now?
Just one step, just one step. Keep moving forward. I feel im getting closer.

Just spread your wings, let it all out. Follow what is inside your heart.

No one’s stopping you, no one’s stopping you.

You’re a hero you can fly, you can fly.

Whoa ~ You can fly.

That fragile heart that once i had, i hope it is stronger now yeah.

Look down below, fly with those clouds.

Cause your wings are made to fly.

When i reach out my hand yes, to that high place i’ve dreamed yes, i know i’m getting closer.

Just one step, just one step. Keep moving forward. Its not a dream anymore.

Just spread your wings, let it all out. Follow what is inside your heart. No one’s stopping you, no one’s stopping you. You’re a hero you can fly, you can fly. Whoa ~ You can fly.

I won’t, no i won’t cry out now
I won’t, no i won’t give up now
I won’t lose, i won’t lose
Oh no no no no

Just spread your wings, let it all out. Follow what is inside your heart. No one’s stopping you, no one’s stopping you. You’re a hero you can fly, you can fly. Whoa ~ You can fly.

Restoration of Happiness

Are we really that scared to let someone passed by in our life? That holding on is what you think would be the best course of action..

Do we really have to fear that one day we may end up not seeing each other anymore? That all the things we’ve shared are just memories.

How could we simply forget when we talked about our relationship, about our problems and the triumphant things we’ve accomplished together. We never could, but why was it easy for you? Why was it so easy for you to move on and pretend that nothing is going on between us anymore.

I must be simply stupid to think that one day we could be more than friends. I want something that is far more precious than our friendship. I want you, to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand. I really want it to happen. Perhaps you’re thinking that it might destroy everything once it didn’t work out but isn’t worth the risk? Knowing that someday you’ll look back and realize that you’re the luckiest person to be married with your best friend. That would be so romantic so please take a risk.

If it doesn’t work out the way we plan it, then let time fix things for us. No matter how long it will take to forget, to restore everything. At least we have the courage to do something stupid before we pass our story to the next generation.

I just want it to fucking happen.